I have an ex whom I dated on and off for eight years, it was about to end up in marriage but he pulled the disappearing act on me. I mean someone who literally tells you, “You are beautiful, intelligent, enterprising, but I don’t think you can be respectful after we marry. I don’t trust you to be obedient to me.” It was like a joke, I mean who does that, kisses you on the forehead and walks away. You would think after the breakup they will let you be, you would think they will stop calling you or texting, you will think they will not try to hook up with you again, you will think they’d walk past you if they saw you at an event, but I was so wrong. This particular ex keeps calling and asking silly questions like “where you at Maryland today? I saw someone who looks like you.” Or “I’m on the mainland, I was hoping I could see you.” Or “where do you work now?” “We are not fighting now, are we?” I got fed up with those silly questions and aimless calls and I had to block his number. Recently, he called with his second number, I missed the call and block it when I saw it. I couldn’t deal with the drama.
All these got me wondering, why do some ex come back after a messy breakup? What do they need that they couldn’t find elsewhere? These are the answers I came up with:
1. You are amazing. Most times, you get to be your awesome self with a particular person and (s)he chose to take you a ride, insult you, bruise your person and try to make you feel worthless. Sometimes, we get into relationship with people who are dysfunctional because they were smart to tell us they loved us more than anyone in the world and we will never find someone who will love us the way they do and we believe them.
When you leave them or when they leave you, they later find that you were the best they ever had and they are finding a back to get scraps of food. Even if it is just to hear your voice on the phone, they will take it.
2. You were patient. Love makes us do a lot of things, like accommodate the excesses of another person. You were patient with this ex of yours when you were dating. You saw their mistakes through the lens of love, you were quick to forgive even though they had a mental diary where they wrote everything you ever did wrong. While they were toxic, you were the patient one, the forgiving one but guess what they went to the next and got paid in their own coin and it doesn’t feel like home. The got on to the next and they couldn’t stand the unforgiving partner they got and the way their next made them feel shitty each time.
You were their best friend. A relationship in which you share almost everything with your partner, when your partner is your best friend it is hard to break away. This is the hardest kind of relationship to break from. They left and you were broken, you wept and now they are back calling you as though it was a sweet parting. You were their best friend and they didn’t respect that, neither should you.
3. Lack of Closure. One of the things I love the female gender for is that they know how to get closure from a dead relationship and move on. I’m not saying there aren’t females who don’t know how to move on, but most of them know how to. When the relationship breaks, a girl calls her girlfriends and bitch about all the things the ex-boyfriend did, they get angry along with her and console her. They buy her lots of ice creams, give her hugs, call from time to time to make sure she is fine, they take her out to movies, they organise sleepovers. That is what girls do to get a closure from a failed relationship but the guys? Most of them don’t know how to move on, they feel they can always keep the contact of their exes and still get back with them. They do not have closure from their failed relationship, and this is why they keep coming back.
What should you do if an ex tries to come back?
Do not give them a chance to explain or sweet talk you into friendship. Do you remember that famous ‘we can be friends’ line? That very one is just a trap to either get into your pants or ruin whatever beautiful life you are building with your next. Don’t let them. Explain to them that you have a fabulous life without their toxicity. Block them from your social media if you must, block their number if they keep calling, change your address if they keep calling on you at home. Make it clear to your friends that you don’t want to be with him anymore.
Understand that some of these people were confused and had no business being in a relationship in the first place. It doesn’t mean you should pity them and allow them back into your life. It means you need to find out what made the first relationship to fail so you can set some relationship standards for yourself and the next relationship.
I’m no relationship expert but these were written out of personal experience. If you would like to share your story with me about ex dramas write in the comment section below or send a message to my email – firstname.lastname@example.org
I have just one last part for the Nana Story and I promise it will end with a bang. I’ve been quite busy but work is dwindling and I’m having more time on my hands this week as we ease into the holidays.