In My Soul… Stream of consciousness

My heart is split. My soul too. My head is bursting and I don’t even know how to explain it. It feels like different individuals are inside. There are times when I am happy, jovial and easy going, at other times I am moody, sad and depressed. I bear this burden alone. The last time I told a friend, he said I might be suffering from PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

According to Mayo Clinic Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

I’ve never had a conventional life or lived in house with white picket fence. It hurts to be the first child. To be the paragon. To be perfect if not I would get many people disappointed.

I bear the pain inside of me. I keep holding it in. I cry at times in secret. Then life goes on.

I have opened a Facebook page that is anonymous. I hope writing my feelings will help to cope, get well or in process help others.

My family does not know about this. I don’t think I am ready to tell them about it either. They will feel disappointed. God knows, I am trying. Trying to survive. Writing and blogging helps. Praying helps some times. Listening to music helps. Sleeping helps the most. I am in a land where my worries are momentarily forgotten. Thank God for Sleep.

I can go on and on. This is my Life. This is my journey. It is rough, it has a lot of bumps and it is far from perfect but I’m living one at a time. For each day, I am thankful that I am still here.

*****

Thanks Linda G. Hill for the prompt. Writing this has helped me.

Until next time,

Blessings!

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12 thoughts on “In My Soul… Stream of consciousness

  1. floridaborne says:

    Actually, it sounds like the human condition. And the problem with having humanity (or being humane) is that humans are responsible for providing that service. Most are like customer service:

    Testing if customer service is paying attention:
    “My dog died.”
    “We can help you fix your computer.”

    There may be a deeper reason, whether hormonal, PTSD, or other disorders. I’m not saying there isn’t. Just letting you know that you’re not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. inkbiotic says:

    I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. PTSD is a blaring, swarming, many-tentacled monster, it isn’t an easy thing to battle on your own – make sure you’re getting the support you need. Take care

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Peaceful Journey says:

    Deb, my heart goes out to you. I pray you are soon comforted with the peace you desire and deserve. I like that you have given your true feelings a perspective and though you may keep them hidden from family, you are finding ways to put them in perspective. You are self-reflecting and that is always a good place. We all struggle at different times on this journey and some may have more challenges. If professional help will help, seek help. But, mostly importantly, keep owning your truly feelings instead of moving to a place of denial. I believe that is the first sign of seeing and shining the light in darkness places. From the distance, we are connected by kindred spirits, I hope you feel the love and concern from your fellow blog community and those of like-mind who understand your journey. Stay encouraged. If there is a need to reach out, please feel the liberty to do so.

    Liked by 1 person

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