A Vicious Cycle

Tomorrow January ends. I have not done so much blogging this month. I always wanted to do it differently this year.

I couldn’t bring myself to commit to everyday blogging. I couldn’t even say I will blog every thrice each week. I once spoke about my battles with depression which swamps me at odd times either in form of a deep sadness or anger inside me.

I have tried to work on it all by myself and I’ve successfully hidden it from my family and friends; recently I lost my phone memory and I felt no loss. I didn’t feel sad though my music library wiped off, my phone contacts and some documents. I’ve gotten my documents (thank science for backup) and a few songs from friends, but here is my point exactly. I feel numb. I am the crybaby. The one who wails and scream “foul play” at the world. This time, I feel nothing. I am emotionally numb.

Enough is enough to micromanaging my condition. I needed to get help. I made an appointment with a therapist and I began yesterday.

Talking about what went wrong on its own was a lot of help. It was as though I needed to say them out. I needed to hear myself. I am ambitious, I want good things for myself and when it seems like it’s dragging and all the pictures I have in my mind about the things I should have achieved are just not here yet. The more I reach out to get them the more they slip away. It has become a vicious cycle. A hide and seek game. It is affecting me.

The messages of positive thinking now makes me think, how do I keep the hope when I keep doing a Peekaboo with Life?

I am not going to give up on this fight. I will not let myself be conquered by the unpleasantness. Though I keep struggling to stay afloat the water.

I shall overcome someday.

Until next time,

Blessings!

©Booky Glover, 2017