A Vicious Cycle

Tomorrow January ends. I have not done so much blogging this month. I always wanted to do it differently this year.

I couldn’t bring myself to commit to everyday blogging. I couldn’t even say I will blog every thrice each week. I once spoke about my battles with depression which swamps me at odd times either in form of a deep sadness or anger inside me.

I have tried to work on it all by myself and I’ve successfully hidden it from my family and friends; recently I lost my phone memory and I felt no loss. I didn’t feel sad though my music library wiped off, my phone contacts and some documents. I’ve gotten my documents (thank science for backup) and a few songs from friends, but here is my point exactly. I feel numb. I am the crybaby. The one who wails and scream “foul play” at the world. This time, I feel nothing. I am emotionally numb.

Enough is enough to micromanaging my condition. I needed to get help. I made an appointment with a therapist and I began yesterday.

Talking about what went wrong on its own was a lot of help. It was as though I needed to say them out. I needed to hear myself. I am ambitious, I want good things for myself and when it seems like it’s dragging and all the pictures I have in my mind about the things I should have achieved are just not here yet. The more I reach out to get them the more they slip away. It has become a vicious cycle. A hide and seek game. It is affecting me.

The messages of positive thinking now makes me think, how do I keep the hope when I keep doing a Peekaboo with Life?

I am not going to give up on this fight. I will not let myself be conquered by the unpleasantness. Though I keep struggling to stay afloat the water.

I shall overcome someday.

Until next time,

Blessings!

©Booky Glover, 2017

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22 thoughts on “A Vicious Cycle

  1. Nichole Stewart says:

    Stay encouraged hon! I know the frustration of the waiting game…of things that are so close to your grasp that just slip away…but we have to keep trusting and being patient. It sounds like you are on a good path. You will get through! Be blessed!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. mslyricwriter says:

    How Beautiful it is that you are willing to get help. So many people are not. I get exactly where you are coming from because I am an inhabitant of the very same place. Its nice to acknowledge that you are not weird, this problem can be fixed, and in time all the chips will fall into place. And you will overcome and testify about it 🙂

    Like

  3. DeniseBalog says:

    Thank you for sharing your heart. When I turned 30 I cried for days for the loss I felt for what I had “visualized” my life would look like and “be” by that “magic” number age. Everything I desired was just out of my reach. Stepping out to seek help and opening up is the first place to take the right step into your bright future. Prayers your way:) blessings, denise

    Liked by 1 person

      1. DeniseBalog says:

        Amen!! “And now, here is what I am going to do: I’m going to start all over again. I’m taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I’ll court her. I’ll give her bouquet of roses. I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley in Acres of Hope.” Hosea 2:14-15 The Message. ps: I love the verse “address” is 2:14. Bouquets of roses in this “season” of hearts and love:) blessings, denise

        Liked by 1 person

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